


Race To the Bottom, Die On Time

by interorbitalteeth



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Andy realizing she accidentally enabled Booker's depression, Andy | Andromache of Scythia & Booker | Sebastien le Livre - Freeform, Between two points in canon, Booker's betrayal, Decent communication skills thy name is not Andromache, Depression, Enabling, Gen, Misunderstandings, Suicidal Urges, andy-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:02:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26163835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interorbitalteeth/pseuds/interorbitalteeth
Summary: Andy considers her unintentional role in Booker's betrayal, from when it happens to when Nile rescues them.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 85





	Race To the Bottom, Die On Time

“ _If Merrick can discover how we keep living, maybe he can find a way to end it. Hey. That's what you wanted.”_

_“Hey. That's what you wanted.”_

_“That's what you wanted.”_

Booker's words play on a loop in Andy's head as they're loaded into the armored van. She can't bring herself to look at him, to inflamed with rage and guilt and actual, physical pain. She'd completely forgotten what it felt like to be mortal, for her injuries to not heal in moments or minutes. It's exhausting, and it leaves her weak and vulnerable, both physically and mentally. And she can't shake his words out of her head. 

_“That's what you wanted.”_ Had she ever said that aloud? Had she ever told him in so many words that she wanted her immortality to end? That she wanted to die permanently? She may have thought about it, wanted it desperately at some points – when she thought she was alone in this world, after losing Quynh, after particularly unsatisfying missions. But she doesn't remember ever verbalizing that, at least not to Booker. Then again, though, there's so many things she doesn't remember. The tears in his eyes, the wan hopeful look on his face. He really does want to die, she realizes. He's genuinely in pain, so much pain that he'd do anything to end it. 

And that's when the guilt really hits her head-on. Booker was hurting, he was suffering, and she had done nothing to ease his pain. It doesn't justify what he's done, nothing will ever justify what he's done, not just to her but to Nicky and Joe, but she can understand the depths that living with loss can send you to. Hell, she's lived with that loss for nearly give-hundred years! But she would never do something like this, she would never put her entire family in danger just to end it all! 

_“That's what you wanted.”_

He thought she'd wanted to die as much as he did. He thought he was giving her a gift, he thought that she shared in his pain. She looks at him now, and angry bile still rises in her gut. She can't forgive him for this. She may never be able to. But she knows that she plays some part in this, however small, however unknown. What exactly did she say or do to convince him that she wanted what he did? Was it the drinking? Was it the snide comments or the morbid jokes? She thinks back to dinner in Goussainville. “More like misery loves company.” “What he said.” Has she been enabling him this entire time? Is she really to blame for his betrayal?

“You selfish piece of shit!” 

“Joe, Joe please! Please, Joe.”

She knew in her heart that Joe would be blindly furious, that Nicky would be the calm in the eye of the hurricane. Nicky is angry, she can tell. She's known this man for nearly a thousand years, knows his body language, the way his forehead crinkles, the way he clenches his teeth. But he's always been a calming influence on all of them, especially Joe. 

“You have no idea what it was like, all those years alone. You and Nicky always had eachother, and all we had was our grief.”

There he goes again, lumping her into this. She wants to tell him to shut up, to not make this about her, too, but she's so fucking exhausted. But even as she's filled with anger, she's also filled with guilt and sympathy. She wants to hold Booker close as much as she wants to punch him in the teeth. And then she hears the gunshots. 

She wasn't expecting Nile, but she's still grateful. Especially because this means she doesn't have to sit around and wallow in her own thoughts anymore. And then - “I saw it all, Andy. I know the good you've done.”

What does Nile mean by that? Is she talking about all the papers on Copley's wall? All the research and sleuthing he clearly did? But there's no time to ask, there's just time to act. 

“Just leave me here.”

God fucking damn it, Booker. But he got them into this mess, and he's going to help them out of it. And she is, too. She's going to help him out of his own mess, one way or another. 

“No man left behind,” she says, to counter Joe's angry yelling and ignore the pain in his eyes, the pain in her body. Joe understands what they've all done, too, she knows, he's just too angry now to express it. “We may not get to choose when we die, but we get to choose how we live.”

“And honestly, Book,” she finishes, undoing the straps on his stretcher, “you and I, we've been doing a shit job of it. Now get up.” 


End file.
